Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and Coke

The Bachelor recap is late this week due to some insanity in my week, but for added entertainment I’m watching with my friend April who has never seen the show. And it’s Fantasy Suites week. Will she still be my friend afterward? Let’s see!

Pudding has her catnip White Claw and is ready to go!

Pudding lays in her bed with her catnip white claw

Clayton tells the camera that he’s falling in love with remaining three women, Gabby, Susie and Rachel, and that he might already be in love with Susie.

Everyone is in Iceland. We cut to the hotel where the three women sit in super awkward silence. Susie says that sex is important in any relationship, but she only has sex when she feels really connected to someone. She says if Clayton is intimate with one of the other girls, it will be devastating to her.

April: Maybe this isn’t the show for her then.

The first date goes to Rachel. They go for a helicopter ride and then down into a volcano.

Helpfully, Clayton tells us it’s inactive. Thanks, buddy. I assumed you wouldn’t be going in an active volcano.

Clayton and Rachel ride in a helicopter

April: They are 400 feet down in a volcano with shit dripping down all around them. If her parka is sparkling white when they come up, I call bullshit.

Rachel reflects that Clayton still hasn’t opened up to her about his feelings. During dinner she tells him she felt really unsure during the last rose ceremony.

Clayton says he wasn’t “100% transparent” when he was with Rachel’s family, and then he says, “I’m falling in love with you.”

“You just scared me,” Rachel says.

Yeah, that’s a weird fucking opener to “I love you.”

Then they open the creepy ass letter inviting them to the fantasy suite. It’s written all in block letters like a serial killer is trying to disguise his handwriting or something. The next morning we see them making out in bed. Clayton complains that his shoulder is falling asleep from her laying on it.

April: I have a feeling Susie is out of luck.

Then April and I spend a minute discussing the fact that Clayton’s nipples seem to be too close to his armpit. PAGING DOCTOR NIPS!

So then Clayton leaves, and Rachel yells “I love you!” He yells “I love you too!”

April: After twenty-six seasons how do they still find women who are willing to be like “I love you, this was so magical, we’ll have this forever” when he’s literally on his way to have two dates exactly like yours?

Because they get to sling diet iced tea on Instagram and go on Dancing with Stars after.

When Rachel gets back to the hotel, Susie starts crying because she’s not sure of where Clayton is with the other women. She says again that he if he thinks he’s in love with her, but sleeps with the other women, she won’t be able to handle it.

David Tennant says well...

Then it’s time for Gabby’s date. She says she was hoping for whale watching, but when she’s dropped off in a random field she says she guesses that’s not it.

April: I’m glad she figured out this isn’t where the ships are.

Instead they ride an ATV, then they do wind up on a beach.

Gabby and Clayton kiss

During dinner, Gabby is wearing a slip dress with an asymmetrical neckline and it looks like one of her boobs is about to pop out. Clayton thanks Gabby for loving him, and it’s weird. Then he says, “I’m falling in love with you.”

Does this guy just not know how to preface that statement?

Their fantasy suite is a yurt-igloo thing (April and I can’t agree on what it is) with, of course, a random  hot tub.

“Oh yeah, we are doing it in style tonight,” Clayton says.

This is an approximation of April’s expression.

Click for GIF

Colin Farrell is disgusted

Back at the hotel, Susie cries into a glass of wine because she can’t “grasp the concept” of Clayton being intimate with the other women.

WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW. JESUS CHRIST.

When Gabby gets back, Susie is upset that neither of the other women revealed what he’s told them. “I don’t know anything, at this point it’s all confusing,” she says.

Meanwhile Clayton is having a crisis because he’s falling in love with all three women and “1000% I’m going to shatter somebody. I just don’t want to hurt anybody. I wanted to fall in love, I get it. I just didn’t want to fall in love with multiple people.”

Then it’s time for Susie’s date and it’s super windy and hailing. They go to a spa/hot springs. First they go into a cold mist room and Susie hates it, then they go a sauna with an ocean view.

Clayton tells the camera that he’s not falling in love with Susie, he’s past that point and is in love.

So then it’s time for the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat. He tells her, “It’s no longer about me falling in love with you, I am in love with you.”

“Oh my gosh!” says Susie.

“Knowing there’s an engagement, there are things I can’t compromise,” she adds. Then she asks if he feels like he’s in love with the other women or slept with them.

Clayton stares.

“If I’m sharing your love with anyone else… I don’t think I’d be comfortable,” she says.

Clayton says he “shocked” because she encouraged him to explore the other relationships. Then he tells her yes, he has slept with someone else and expressed feelings of falling in love.

“If you feel like you’re in love with me, it doesn’t make sense to me to sleep with someone else,” she says.

He tells her he has different feelings for different people, and that it’s very special where they’re at.

Susie is pissed

He tells her he’s “the most in love” with her.

Susie starts crying and says that makes her feel worse. Basically she didn’t want to give him an ultimatum, but she had hoped that if he was in love with her he wouldn’t have slept with the other women.

Clayton says a relationship is working through the hard times. Then he says he actually slept with Gabby and Rachel, but he had feelings of love for both.

Click for a GIF of this date

a train crashes

So then Clayton gets mad and says he can’t believe she waited till now to tell him her expectations and that he can’t believe she’s doing to this to him now, one week out to the final episode.

She gets up to cry and Clayton storms outside. Jesse goes to talk to him and Clayton says, “I don’t know where to go from here. She’s just torn me apart. She just completely destroyed me.”

Dude she communicated a boundary to you, she was under no obligation to do so earlier, and you are refusing to respect her feelings.  Fuck off.

They go back inside, and Susie says, “I don’t know what to do.”

“You’ve literally made your mind up,” Clayton snaps.

“I feel awful. I feel like fucked everything up,” she cries.

“I’m just going to be honest with you, you just invalidated everything we had, if [what we had] was really true, you’d work through this,” he says.

A man points to a lantern and says look at that gaslight

“You had sex with two women,” she says. “You are committed to me going home now. I fucked this up”

“I’m not placing blame on you, but I don’t know what I’m looking at anymore, you just dropped a bombshell on me. The way you went about this is BS. I’m done. We’re done,” he says.

So he’s in love with her, but the second she challenges him on anything he gaslights her and makes himself the victim.

“At some point I’ll find someone who will stick through it, and will fight for me,” he tells her.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

Susie gets in the car and leaves.

Clayton continues to have a temper tantrum with the producers. “My heart isn’t in this anymore. It’s out. My heart is out.”

Well that would be fatal.

And that’s where we end. Are you watching?

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