Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and Coke

There was no Bachelor last week due to sportsball, but the weirdness is back tonight and Pudding and I are ready.

Well, I am anyway.

Pudding is currently having an intense meeting with her stuffed animals, possibly warning them that they better be here for the right reasons.

Pudding, an elderly siamese, on her crinkle mat with a collection of small toys which she is staring at INTENSELY

Last week Cassidy revealed she had someone she was hooking up with before she went on the show and that she went on the show to make him jealous, all of which Sierra relayed to Clayton.

Clayton asks Jesse if it’s possible to rescind Cassidy’s rose. THERE ARE NO RULES HERE CLAYTON.

Then Jesse says, “There are no rules.” I TOLD YOU SO.

Clayton asks to talk to Cassidy. She denies seeing someone prior to the show and she says, “Clayton, I have not spoken to any guy that I have any interest in a relationship with for a very long time.”

Girl, you were on camera admitting that you were seeing someone. Do these people not realize they’re being recorded?

Come on, people

Will Farrell looks appalled and then down at his lap and says what is this, amateur hour?

Then when he confronts her again, she’s like, well, yeah I had this guy I was friends with but he doesn’t want a relationship and he’s cool with me being on the show, and Clayton stands up and storms out.

Cassidy starts to cry and says, “I can’t believe this is happening. I didn’t do anything!”

So then they sit down again and Cassidy apologizes if the situation “confuses” him and says they have a genuine connection and then, in the worst most awkward moment, leans over and kisses him while he’s trying to talk and is not receptive to it.

Clayton talking to Cassidy with a baffled expression his face

Clayton says he has “too many concerns.”

Cassidy asks if she’s sending her home, then melts down in tears. “I haven’t even packed my stuff. I didn’t think I was going home tonight,” she complains.

Clayton walks her out and says, “This is not at all what I expected to do tonight and it hurts.”

In the limo of tears Cassidy sobs, “Why does this keep happening?”

How many reality dating shows have you been eliminated from?

Then it’s FINALLY time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Ency, Kate and Tessa go home.

Then it’s time for the first group date.  The women follow Clayton into a dark auditorium where Kaitlin Bristowe is waiting. She says that she’s going to help Clayton get to know the women better. She’s going to read a statement out loud and if it resonates with the women they need to stand up.

This sounds like some corporate icebreaker shit, and I’m recoiling already.

The phrases are like “Stand up if there are parts of yourself you aren’t proud of.” Then it’s time for sharing and it’s all incredibly cringey.

I’m just going to shotgun a Whiteclaw during this part.

Click for me really soon

A toddler carries two bottles of beer across the kitchen unsteady on toddler legs

Clayton opens up about having issues with his body image growing up and how he would diet and lose weight. All of the women talk about body image issues as well, some of them severe enough that I would classify them as dysmorphia, which makes me think about them coming on this show for some kind of validation, and how all the women have the same body type, and then I just went on a depressive spiral.

The date rose goes to Eliza.

Then it’s time for a one-on-one date with Sarah. Former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin is there for some reason. They’re doing an extreme scavenger hunt all around downtown LA in their underwear, supposedly to push them out of their comfort zones.

Didn’t we just have a long conversation about negative body image being a struggle for everyone? This show is fucked up.

Back at the McMansion the ladies are lounging by the pool and Elizabeth cooks up some garlic butter shrimp for everyone. Shanae takes half the shrimp and the other women get annoyed. Okay, but Elizabeth made like 15 shrimp for 15 women so maybe plan better? So then Shanae makes more shrimp which seems like a normal and nice thing to do, and no one will eat it.

These people are making me So Tired.

R2D2 falls forward onto the desert floor

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Sarah talks about being mixed race and adopted by a White family. She says she felt shame about being adopted because she felt unwanted by her birth parents. She gets the date rose and they dance awkwardly in front of a string quartet.

The next day it’s a group date on the beach with Baywatch’s Nicole Eggert. The women have to wear the iconic red swimsuit and Eggert puts them through lifeguard training.

Clayton in red swim trunks standing on the beach again looking baffled maybe that's just his face?

Clayton has quite the farmer’s tan going on.

They have to practice the slow-mo beach run, and then Shanae follows it up by making out with Clayton.

Gabby wins the group date and Shanae is mad about it.

During the cocktail party Shanae tells Clayton that Elizabeth is bullying her. She says, “It’s hard because sometimes I don’t want to be here because it’s like am I going to be yelled at or victimized?” She cries and they make out.

Then she tells the camera that “I’ve got him” and “I was good. Holy shit was I good” and “I didn’t mean to cry, but I cried.”

Clayton brings the bullying allegations up to Elizabeth. She tells him if he talks to anyone else, they’ll confirm she’s not a bully. She starts to cry.


Then Lindsey W comes back from her conversation with Clayton in tears because Shanae accused her of bullying too.

Amy Schumer drinks a giant massive glass of wine

Then Shanae and the other women yell over each other for awhile.

Steve Carell says I don't know what we're yelling about!

Clayton gives the date rose to Gabby. Then Clayton says he’ll address the bullying allegations tomorrow during the rose ceremony.

And that’s it. Are you watching?

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