Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and Coke

Happy Bachelor day!

I’m late with this post because we have a 2100 mile snowstorm going through the US and I work in transportation.

My week is going GREAT.

Pudding’s week is going better and she’s excited about the progress she’s making in her TBR.

Pudding smiles up from where she's laying amid her books.

In true Siamese fashion she has decided she no longer likes wet food, only kibble, which isn’t great for a 16 year old cat with kidney disease because she’s not getting as much liquid SO THANKS FOR THAT, MA’AM.

I have tried every flavor combo and enticement ever short of just giving her wagyu beef and caviar mixed in with it and she’s like “LOL no.”

Also causing drama is Shanae. Last week she went after Elizabeth again and also accused other women of bullying her, which they aren’t.

It’s the pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. A bunch of the women are sitting on the drinking couches and Shanae says, “Some of you guys don’t acknowledge me when I talk to you in general, and it makes feel a type of way.”

Then she says she doesn’t want to talk about it, while continuing to talk about it.

Oh, hey, I have a Whiteclaw sitting right here.

Click for me

a dude shouts aint no laws why you drinking claws baby

Clayton arrives and asks to talk to Shanae and Elizabeth.

Elizabeth says that she offered to talk to Shanae after the last date and Shanae told her to “fuck off.”

Shanae accuses Elizabeth of lying, bullying, being fake and toxic. Elizabeth asks for an example of bullying. Shanae brings up how she made shrimp, and no one said no thank you to her they just ignored her. Elizabeth points out she wasn’t even there at the time. Shanae says, “You were literally in the hot tub.”

Shanae and Elizabeth sit on either side of Clayton. His expression suggests he wants the sweet release of death.
My expression matches Clayton’s.

Clayton is staring into the middle distance like he’s praying for death to find him.

Elizabeth asks how she’s responsible for other people treating Shanae.

Shanae replies, “The fact is, you’re a liar and I want to tell Clayton about it, and I don’t like it.”

Clayton gets up, probably to look for an Excedrin. “We’re not trying to resolve conflict, we’re talking about shrimp.”

“My shrimp was better,” Shanae tells the camera. “Elizabeth’s was terrible. I think she put poison in it because I was shitting the next day like really bad.”

Thanks for the update

Jim from the office makes a welp face

Elizabeth goes back to the drinking couch and relays the shrimp drama.

Shanae gets a plate of shrimp sushi and goes back to the drinking couch as well.

“Was Elizabeth in the hot tub when I offered you guys shrimp?” she asks.

“It’s not about the shrimp!” someone yells.

So then Jesse comes out and says that Clayton is “exhausted” and we are going straight to rose.


a gauge flips over to a red danger section

Clayton comes out and says he didn’t feel he could “mentally continue on with the night” and same dude.

Click for Shanae and Elizabeth

A female action figure says hand over the shrimp and another action figure slaps her with a shrimp

Shanae tells the camera, “I swear to god if he gives [Elizabeth] a rose, I’m going shove that rose all the way up his ass, it’s going to be coming out of his mouth.”

He sends Elizabeth home, but keeps Shanae. He also sends home Kira and Melina.

The next day they all go to Houston. One of Clayton’s sportsball friends is there and they reunite.

The first one-on-one date goes to Rachel, and they go horseback riding because of course.

Then they crash a BBQ and eat food that looks friggin amazing. Then they make out on a dock.

Clayton and Rachel sit on a dock

During the dinner Clayton thanks Rachel for being “present” which is weird.

Also do you think Clayton knows there’s a theory that all time is happening at the same moment and we only experience past, present and future because of our limitations in perception?

Then he says the more he talks to Rachel the more confused he gets.

Hate to say it, but Clayton doesn’t have a lot going on upstairs. He’s like that Labrador retriever you had as a kid that’s big and lunky and stupid, but still loveable. He is a himbo.

“I’m wondering how a woman as beautiful as you with this bad ass job (she’s a pilot), like I’m wondering how you’re here,” he says.

Yeah, me too, honestly.

She says her last boyfriend wasn’t supportive of her having to travel to work all the time.

Anyway she gets the date rose.

Back at the hotel the women have a secret meeting about how Shanae is awful while she listens at the door.

We have 30 minutes left.

Click for me

Ben from Parks and Rec says I'm drunk

So for the group date they tailgate at some football stadium. Then two football players, Jonathan Greenard and Kamu Grugier-Hill, arrive. They’re going to play tackle football. Marlena is a former Olympian and is super excited.

Shanae’s team is named Shrimp Stampede. Marlena’s team is the Purple Pushers.

Clayton talks to one of the Purple Pushers in her gear

There’s tension between Sierra and Shanae and they keep tackling each other. Then Marlena tackles Shanae and it’s brutal. We end with the purple team winning 21-0.

During the cocktail hour Sierra tells Clayton she was shocked he sent Elizabeth home. She says that Shanae is deceiving him. So does Genevieve.

Shanae isn’t included in the after party because her team lost, but she gets dressed up and crashes it. Clayton isn’t impressed, especially when she says, “I deserve to be here.”

Sierra says, “I feel like I deserve a million dollars. Do I have a million dollars in my bank account? No.”

Same, girl, same.

Shanae tells Clayton she heard the other women talking about her behind closed doors. Then they make out. IDEK.

Sierra calls Shanae a Karen. Marlena says, “Do you want to marry her? Till death to us part? It’s really gonna be death.”

Click for me RN

Betty White laughs

Shanae approaches the other women on the drinking couch and tells Sierra and Genevieve to keep her name out of their mouths. Then she picks up the winning team’s trophy and throws it in the bushes.

Ed.note: it’s 9:30 am and I wish I were drunk after reading this. What the hell. 

And that’s where we end. Are you watching?

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