Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and Coke

It’s time for the WTFery that is The Bachelor.

It’s been very cold and snowy here lately so Pudding has been spending time on her heated mat.

She’s also excited to announce that she will be my co-recapper for NBC’s The Courtship next month.

Her Ladyship has opinions.

Pudding looks adorably at the camera

So last week Mara told Clayton that not all of the women are ready for marriage (Sarah specifically). Mara claims she overheard Sarah saying that, but I don’t know if that’s true. FWIW, Sarah is the youngest woman in the house.

Sarah returns home from her date, rose in hand, and tells the other women that someone accused her of not being ready for marriage. She asks who did it and Mara owns it.

Sarah says, “Clayton identified this as a last ditch effort by someone worried about going home.”

“That’s great,” Mara replies.

The next night at the pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Mara asks to talk to Sarah.

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courtney cox rolls her eyes

She tells Sarah her “last ditch” comment was “ignorant and insensitive.”

Then we get into some argument over semantics and Mara says, “You’re getting a little sloppy and it’s showing, and it’s only a matter of time before he sees it. Confidence is great but over confidence is not cute and that’s where you’re heading. You know for everyone’s sake it would be better if you just went back to the cute, quiet confidence.”

Mara confronts sarah

She also calls Sarah overconfident and cocky.

Then Jesse tells everyone it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Clayton tells the women he knows he’ll be in love at the end of “the journey.”

Ceresi Lannister rolls her eyes

Mara and Eliza go home. Sarah smirks.

Next up they all go to Vienna. The first one-on-one date goes to Susie, and it’s one of those shopping dates where the Bachelor is allegedly spoiling the woman but ABC is footing the bill. These dates are so gross and weird.

Pudding says, in the immortal words of Ke$ha:

Don’t buy me a drink, I make my money,

Don’t touch my weave, don’t call me “honey,”

Cuz I run my shit, baby.

Clayton and Susie hold shopping bags

Actually Pudding doesn’t make her own money and it would be nice if she did because my vet bill this month was more than my mortgage payment, but she has a very loose understanding of capitalism.

At one point Clayton calls a belt “a waist thing.”

Jean Luc Picard from Star Trek does an amazing face palm

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Susie talks about how important and supportive her dad is. She apparently doesn’t have any trauma to unload.

I would just make some shit up. “So after that beaver attacked me, I’ve just struggled so much with my fear of semi-aquatic rodents. I can’t even think about muskrats without having a panic attack.”

Susie gets the date rose.

The next day is the group date, and they meet with a psychotherapist because Austria is the home of Freud. They are going to have a couple’s therapy session with Clayton.

I’m a huge proponent of therapy, and this feels incredibly irresponsible and unsafe. Gabby talks about her abusive relationship with her mom and I’m so uncomfortable.

I actually fast forward through the rest because this is bullshit.

Apparently the therapist tells Clayton that someone is being performative which freaks him out. Doesn’t this woman have a license? How is this okay? How can you even make that judgement with 15 minutes of conversation?

I once had to deal with an extremely unethical therapist and frankly this is making my stomach hurt.

Rachel tells Clayton that Sarah brags about their connection and some of the things Sarah says happened did not. Gabby confirms this.

Sarah says he feels like anything she says or does is wrong. Clayton accuses her of fake crying, and she says it’s because she has no tears left.

(Cut to Sarah getting a gig slinging eye drops on social media.)

Clayton says he doesn’t believe her and walks her out.

I open another White Claw.

The date rose goes to …no one. Clayton says he needs more time to make the right decision.

Then it’s time for Serene’s one-on-one. They explore Vienna.

Clayton and Serene ride in a carriage

During dinner Serene tells him she’s falling in love with him. She gets the date rose.

There is no cocktail party prior to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Clayton sends Teddi home, meaning Gabby, Serene, Susie, and Rachel are going to hometowns.

That’s where we end. Are you watching?

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