Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S18 E9: Horse Budget

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottom

There was no recap last week because it was The Men Tell All special, which is two hours of men yelling over each other and I no longer have energy for that in my life.

I did have it playing in the background and these were the only notable things that happened:

  1. Peter had Will served with papers on stage because he’s claiming will defamed his pizza business.
Honey, you did that when you went on this show

A little girl rolls her eyes

2. Martin maybe had a girlfriend while filming.

3. There was a streaker in the audience.

4. Clayton is the new Bachelor. Yes, the same Clayton was falling in love with Michelle like 2 weeks ago. I bet when she sent him home they put him in a van and just drove to the resort next door and were like “LOL GUESS WHAT?”

Some of you have asked about Pudding.

Her ladyship isn’t watching tonight as she’s nursing my husband through a migraine, but if she were it would look like this:

Pudding is laying with her face smashed into my husband's side

We recently found out Pudding has kidney disease, but after starting a special diet and getting some new arthritis meds, she is thriving. She has the zoomies now. They’re short zoomies, but they are zoomies.

She’s also gotten sassier which I didn’t realize was even possible.

Anyway, Michelle and her final three are in Mexico for Fantasy Suites week. Walking on a beach, Michelle asks Kaitlyn. “It’s like, how did we get here this fast?”

In a plane probably?

She means her relationships with Joe, Nayte and Brandon. OH.

Michelle and Kailtin walk on the beach

The first date goes to Brandon. They go horseback riding because there’s a rule that every season needs a horseback shot. Brandon has never even been near a horse, and the horse knows this and just wanders off and completely ignores his commands.

The horse doesn’t even want to be on this fucking show.

True story, my husband had never been on a horse in his life, so during our honeymoon I took him horseback riding. He got a mare who delighted in trying to brush him into trees, branches, whatever shenanigans she could pull.

Later they go swimming in the ocean and do that thing where you sit with your legs outstretched letting the waves roll over you, which is actually a great way to get a ton of sand in your suit bottoms and therefore nooks and crannies. It is not worth the ‘gram.

Brandon and Michelle walk hand in hand

Brandon says, “This entire day has been so truly amazing and I’m so excited for tonight. I can’t wait to literally rip out my heart, throw it on the table and say ‘just do what you want with it because it only beats for you at this point.’”

That’s not how sex works, Brandon.

Then he tells her he’s in love with her. She says she’s falling in love with him too. Then they go to the Fantasy Suite and make out in a hot tub.

The next date is Joe and they go zip lining. Then for reasons that only the producers know, they make out in a field with random horses. I feel like they had money earmarked “horse budget” that they had to use up.

Ed. note: My theory is that images of people horseback riding are a not-very-subliminal fertility/virility symbol, specifically that the horse’s neck and head rising from between the rider’s legs is a giant (massive) phallus.

I’m sorry, horses. 

Joe and Michelle feed horses

Michelle says, “Joe is a 1000 piece puzzle and I like puzzles. I feel like I definitely have all of the end pieces and most of the middle.”

Later they go to the Fantasy Suite. Joe says he could see himself building a life with Michelle.

The last date goes to Nayte who meets Michelle on a boat and if there’s a fucking horse on that boat I will lose my mind.

There’s a lot of making out and talking about feelings and it’s boring. During dinner Michelle points out that Nayte’s stepdad didn’t think he’d been in love before and that there could be a moment when Nayte panics and backs out.

Nayte says, “I know there’s something about you that I’m certain about and I trust that I’m falling in love with you.”

So then they go to the Fantasy Suite and there’s a horse in there waiting for them.

Just kidding. There’s no horse.

This episode is really boring.

The next morning a mariachi band wakes them up, and I honestly cannot articulate how pissed off I’d be about that situation.

So then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony and Michelle is wearing this gorgeous dress that makes her look like a mermaid princess. Before she can hand out roses, Brandon asks to talk to her.

He tells her that he knows tonight is going to be hard for her, and he truly will be there for her regardless of how she chooses.

They go back to the ceremony and she gives roses to Brandon and Nayte.

Nayte, Michelle and Brandon smile for the camera

And that’s it. Are you watching?

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