Here is my favourite part of the book – letting go written by Dr. David Hawkins.
We think that our happiness depends on controlling events, and that facts are what upset us. Actually, it is our feelings and thoughts about these facts that are the real cause of our upset. Facts in and of themselves are neutral things. The power we give them is due to our attitude of acceptance or non-acceptance and our overall feeling state. Whether we get stuck in a feeling, it is because we still secretly believe that it will accomplish something for us.
When we stop pressuring others with our expectations, we create an opening for them spontaneously to respond positively to us. We can, in a prophylactic move, offset resentments by shifting what we have done for others from the level of sacrifice to the level of a loving gift. We can then acknowledge ourselves for this move and drop our expectations, which will dissolve the resistances in others.
We get what we want when we stop insisting on it!
expectation of others is a form of emotional blackmail. We can feel our resistance when others pull for sure emotional “good” from us. We can get away from being emotionally blackmailed by looking at how we do it with others, and then we can let go of wanting manipulate their emotional response toward us.
Another way of preventing anger is by making a decision within oneself no longer to accept invalidation from others or the small aspect of oneself. This decision can be in the form of a firm declaration: “I will no longer accept invalidation from myself or others.” When this is coupled with the habit of acknowledging all that is positive within ourselves and others, relationships rapidly change, their potential sources of anger having been removed.
Letting Go of Expectations
When we put pressure on other people in order to receive what we want, they automatically resist, because we are trying to pressure them. The harder we push, the harder they resist. Even though, out of fear, they may actually concede to our demands, there is not an inner acceptance and, later on, we will lose what we have gained. This resistance is in all of us. We can be aware of it as it operates unconsciously, and we evade that awareness by making excuses and believable explanations.
As mentioned in an earlier chapter, in his book, Winning Through Intimidation, Robert Ringer called it the “boy/girl theory.” (Boy meets girl. As soon as she realizes he wants her, she becomes hard to get. So then whether boy decides to withdraw, she now wants him, and he in return acts aloof.) When we refer to this phenomenon to explain sales resistance, one way around it is to take the view that our responsibility is to make an effort, but not try to determine the result. Another way is to surrender the feelings we have about what we want from the other person, and let go of the pressures we are putting on them in the form of expectation and desire. They, then, have the psychic space to become agreeable or even to initiate the desired result on their own, the result we had wished for in the first place.
This illustrates a very simple but decidedly elegant and active way of clarifying relationships. First, look at how you are secretly feeling about a person in a given situation. Presume that the other person is aware of those thoughts and feelings. Then, put yourself in their place and see how you would react. You will see that their behavior is probably just what you would have done in their place. The goal is to let go of all those feelings until you can go up to a positive thinking-feeling space approximately the matter. Once in a positive space, now see how you would react as the other person who was aware of these new feelings. The likelihood is that their behavior will change just as you would expect. There may be a time delay; but, whether you keep watching, the change will likely take place. Even if it doesn’t, you will no longer be upset about the situation. Sometimes the “payoff” refuses to show up, but we can say, “This is one that the universe owed me in due time.” In fact, it is a part of greatness to know that sometimes a good deed is not returned.
We block receiving what we want from others by our expectations or resentments of them. It is very effective to surrender our expectations of others before we enter into a specific situation with them. Emotions are really subtle attempts to force others and impose our will on them, which they unconsciously resist.
The way to facilitate satisfaction in relationships is lovingly to picture the best possible outcome. Make certain it is mutually beneficial: a win-win situation. Let go of all the negative feelings and merely hold the picture in mind. We can tell whether we are really surrendered when we feel okay either way; it’s okay with us if it happens, and it’s okay with us provided it doesn’t. Therefore, to be surrendered does not mean to be passive. It is being active in a positive way.
When we are surrendered, there is no longer the pressure of time. Frustration comes from wanting a object now instead of letting it happen naturally in its own time. Patience is an automatic side effect of letting go, and we know how easy it is to receive along with patient people. Notice that patient people normally get what they want in the end.
One resistance to letting go is the illusion that, if we let go of our wantingness and our expectations, we won’t get what we want. We fear that we will lose it if we don’t keep pressuring for it. The intellect has the idea that the way to get a object is to want it. Actually, provided we examine the issue, we will see that events are due to decisions, and choices are based on our intentions. What we get is the result of these choices, even though they are unconscious, rather than what we think we want. When we surrender the pressure of wantingness, we are clear to make wiser choices and decisions.
We think that our happiness depends on controlling events, and that facts are what upset us. Actually, it is our feelings and thoughts about these facts that are the real cause of our upset. Facts in and of themselves are impartial matters. The power we give them is due to our attitude of acceptance or non-acceptance and our overall feeling state. Provided we get stuck in a feeling, it is because we still secretly believe that it will accomplish something for us.